3 am rant

2.21am... i try to fall asleep but i can't....

have u ever wonder y u r being label?? i came across this wording... u r whatever they say u r if not why would they say u r...

i consider myself a quick temper guy... i got angry easily... though realizing such weakness.. i'm taking steps to lower such anger... this reminds me... how much do we actually know ourself

when i was young... like way back in primary.... i always look up on certain individual and wanted to be like that individual a lot... this goes up to junior high... i still remember how i try to act like that individual in front of the mirror... lol... little did i realize... this dude that i try to mimic.. will have an impact on what kind of person i am becoming

as i enter my college days... i beginning to have that identity crisis... i don't know what i want or who i really am... i remember about this struggle and in came a friend that knock sense into me...

he said... "jest, stop wasting time.. u're here in canada.. u have to survive in regards of who u r... else u better pack and go home" this did not struck me until i did extremely bad on my first semester..... it was so bad... like real bad...

the GPA almost guarantee me a place back to malaysia instead of scholarship... i saw how my friends r doing great in their studies while planning to go into med school...

from there i understand what determination and hardwork means... in regards of situation.. i still need to get groceries, i still need work for extra income, the GPA to get the scholarship money and to worry about dinner everyday... i never have time for what malaysian society, yum char, clubbing, or just hang out and talk silly... these to me r time wasting.. i would rather take the time to study or do something... i'm all alone in canada.. i'm all looking out for myself.. only myself...

through these i finally able to find myself.. who i am.. what is my qualities and what is my drawback.. how to pick myself up... i however won't deny.... i still did not do an awesome job... there's more room for improvement..

maybe it's the desperate feeling that i'm moving too slow which prompt me into slacking off in a few area... there r times when we just need to sit back and take a look on what we have accomplish rather than keep going forward.. once a while.. it does take pressure off

a man does not grew wiser in time.... they grew wiser with experience... i have a 25 year old friend that still act like a 16 year old.. he talks about revenge all the time.. i think it's because at 25 he still play a lot of video or computer games.. u know.. these games talks about revenge all the time too... so i think it's into his head... game thing, once is a while is alright... but don get too into it.. it really makes u look stupid... really...

oh yea.. alcohol too.. too much of it makes a person look stupid too.. this is through experience

life at times r terrible if not horrible, to a point it makes us feel miserable...

hey.. why bow down to these horrible thing eh?? like what.. we're slave to horrible life?? my blogamaniacs.... there will always be haters outside... to try to bring us down.... this is done so, so that we will not slip up too much.. to bring us pain to tell us that we're human and that we're still alive... losers out there so that u can be the winner...

my mind is filling itself up with many many unhappy and negative thoughts....... honest... unfair to me?? can i even ask for fairness?? no......... i don even bother to think about fair or not fair anymore..... so many things i want to rant.... but i can't..... i simply just can't................ at this junction of life.... it's not easy to be me... don't even say u understand...

it's there but it's not there.... simple yet meaningful words..... so close yet so far..... yea... thats a better one

so close yet so far......